What happened today made me realise..

view of the tramstop

I was coming back to my house from the city today (watched spiderman 3, not bad. really funny!) and as usual, i waited at the tramstop. while waiting for my tram, i sat down next to an old lady as i was carrying groceries (heavy) and a bag with my books (research) and also some cardboards all rolled up. i took out my phone and i messaged my biee... :)



halfway there, the old lady beside me, white hair, old, plump and seems to be in her 60s, i think, started talking to me.. seemed like those harmless, friendly, warm types. it caught me by surprise..



Lady : (says something, wasn't really sure what she said) that's incredible.. click click .. fast..



Me : huh? sorry?



Lady : you typed ur phone there real quick, it goes click click click click.. ( imitating fingers moving) it's fascinating.. i can never do that..! too old to start learning! ..



Me : laughed along..


Lady : you could send messages like that to your parents? and they could read it? How much is it?



Me : Yeah u can. but i wasn't sending messages to my parents... One's like 20 cents..



Lady : that's cheap.

view from the tramstop (where i'm sitting down)

Me : yeah..



Lady : you working here?



Me : oh no, i'm studying here.



Lady : studying what?



Me : architecture.



Lady : (shows Awe expression, nods head)



Me : I've been here two years. ( tried to make a conversation.. regretted the next thing i asked.)



You have any children?
(i figured that's what you ask an old lady. Surely they'd love to talk bout their children, right?)



Lady : oh, no.. i don't have any. i was married but i have no children. and Marcus's gone now.. (i'd assume marcus's her husband.)



You : oh.. oh i see.. hmmm..



awkward silence..

really awkward silence..



(and i couldn't think of anything else to say!! i felt so baddd!!)



Lady : oh, when's that tram coming..?? (looking at the tram timetable screen on the left side..talking softly, but loud enough for me to catch it..) probably trying to break the silence..



I kept thinking to myself, "maybe i should say i'm an orphan! then she won't feel so bad.. but would she think i made that up cause i feel sorry for her.. i don't knoW!! stupid mouth! why did u ask her that?!??! "

view of where i get off the tram.

fact is, she's all alone.





this experience made me realise something.. i think i'll have to say that my biggest fear is ending up living alone when i'm her age. when i'm at my weakest. the time when i should enjoy myself after all those long years of hardwork.

To have a lover lost long before my time, to not have any children and grandchildren, no one who cares for you, having no one to talk to but a stranger beside me waiting for the tram, train, bus, whatever.. to have nothing in life to look forward to but ur "deadline".. living life only because u can't die... yet.

(i'm not saying she is like that. she might not be, for all i know.)



but the feeling i get when she said that..



i don't want to be alone. i don't want to end up alone.


that indeed is my biggest fear in life.









TOUCH WOOOOD AND CROSS FINGERSS!!!!!!